A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’m going to need a moment here.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”