People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
is this meant to deter me
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.