Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack