Cannot stop laughing at this
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly