I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
my favorite genre of twitter
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners