Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Merica.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.