Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
every college guy’s fridge
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day