me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Fights fire with marshmallows
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Beauty and the Beast
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.