[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.