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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag