Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
what it’s like dating me:
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Every house has this drawer
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.