Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Cake!!
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”