A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
You Might Also Like
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Dishonest mechanic?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
They’re on their honeymoon
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.