If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.