Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.