You Might Also Like
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
how high up are we talkin’?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-