if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Me, in DM rooms…
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.