I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
You Might Also Like
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*