someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I feel it
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.