ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will