“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Whoa 😂
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Meat Cute
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)