*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
How funny!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked