From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*gets down on one knee*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
こいつ天才
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.