I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.