I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.