Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*