I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Phones down.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.