Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”