Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
All. The. Damn. Time.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression