whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Me too 😆
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.