wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science