STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.