I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Finally!
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?