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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?