Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Why soy sad?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything