Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine