Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Oceanography is all about current events
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Perfection.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.