My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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We need to put an American base on the sun
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.