I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
You Might Also Like
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I want what they have
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss