*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
You Might Also Like
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
mom gave me mine for free
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.