Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
⛄️
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?