ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The Birdles
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.