Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
You Might Also Like
necessity is the mother of invention
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
According to math, I’m broke
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
synchronized noseblowing
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life