babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.