7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You had me at “define legal”.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”