I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently