Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
How high do the levels go?