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True?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”