My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.