AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up